Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Some words and ramblings...since it's been awhile!

It seems lately I've been just too tired to write. I miss it really. With soccer, and baseball for the boys, soccer for me, meetings for Terence....it't been hectic. Caate also wants a mommy to play with...not a "mommy that spends her time writing." I hope next year when Caate is in preschool 3 mornings a week I'll get more chances to write. Mornings are my best time...and that's when her preschool is.

Yes, Caate will attend preschool in the fall. She is very excited and ready! Caate's language is doing so great! She talks like pretty much any 3 year old and thinks like a 3 year old. Not bad for someone who is from a "hard place". I admire my girl for who she is, and how well she survived the 3 1/2 years she was without a constant mom and dad in her life. Despite the challenges she faces in her new life, new language, new culture, and new family...she has chosen to face them fearlessly. One of Caate famous sentences is, "Caate can do it!" She is a "CAN DO" person. We're sure she always had to fight for everything in her little life before us. And, with no one else to do it for her...SHE had to do it. Over time, Caate has realized my role in her life. She has allowed me to be mommy and likes me to help her despite her independence. If she could be in control at all times...she would (believe me!). I know that it stems from a lot of experiences in her life. So, I am sensitive to that, too.

Some days I think about her birth mom...who am I kidding, I think about her every day! With mixed feelings of course. But, the mom in me...the nice, kind and loving mom (that is!)...wants her birth mom to know she is happy, alive and well. But, the other mom in me....kind of doesn't. It's this constant battle in me. I see all the things Caate is able to do...and I'd love to show her birth mom how amazing she is! Hey, part of our make up is nature. Caate came from someone pretty amazing (I may not know a thing about her birth mom or dad...but I can imagine just by seeing Caate), I have no doubt. We have been blessed with an incredible girl! If it wasn't for certain events that lead Caate to the orphanage...we would never have been given this chance to love her, and for her to fill a special little space in our family. So, some days I feel sad that she's had to endure so much...but then I think...what if we never got that chance to be loved by her? We really would have missed out.

With adoption comes a lot of mixed feelings. But, I know that every day I just need to give these emotions to my Heavenly Father. He was the one that placed Caate in our lives...and I will do my best to be all I can be for her. I know He has a great plan for our lives. He has even greater plans for Caate. And, I really just want to be here, to help her to grow in love, faith and trust in our family and in Jesus too. So many times I just feel there isn't enough hours in the day to try and teach her all the things she missed out on. The time I have at home with her is too short. :-( I am thankful that preschool is only 3 mornings a week. I know how important preschool is for Caate though...it will teach Caate things I can't teach...especially in the socialization area of things. But, there are many other things she will just have to discover for herself. I do feel that keeping her home with me for the last 10 months has been critical in her learning how to love, who to love, and how to trust. This will give her a basis for so many areas of life. As much as it's not always been an easy time for me, at times feeling alone as people just don't understand attachment in adoption. It's been worth it. Adopting a child is not for everyone. You have to be a strong person and it's even more helpful to have a strong spouse that helps balance the load. I know I don't have to do it alone...Terence has been my strength when I just could not. And, I thank God for the strength he's given me when I just didn't know how I'd go on. I truly don't know how people do it (adopting a child) without God in their lives. My relationship with God is the reason I am not a mess, the reason I can be a great mom to Caate and our boys, the reason I am advocating for orphans despite the hardships and tough days. I see how important it is to have kids in families. Doesn't mean it's easy...but I can honestly say that I love sharing my heart for the orphan with so many...because God has given me that passion. When I look into my daughters eyes...and see the change in her, my heart gets all warm and my eyes start to sting with tears. My heart is so happy that we could give Caate the love she deserves. The love every child deserves. In return...we have been blessed ten times over! Caate was meant to be in our family. No doubt. Without her, a hole would have been left empty. That is why when we were trying to decide on having a third child of our own...it just didn't feel right to get pregnant. We really tossed the idea up for serveral months....but nothing felt right...until Terence mentioned adopting a child. I can't tell you in words what I felt in my heart...but I just knew that we were meant to adopt. We spent many weeks and months...and that grew into years, looking for the girl God knew we were going to adopt. Definitely pushed us to our limits some days! But, we didn't give up. God had a lot to teach us, in order for us to be good parents to Caate. We needed that time to grow us in our relationship with Jesus. We needed that time to teach us the patience we would need with Caate. I am a better mom, because of the 3 1 /2 years it took us to complete our adoption. So, when people tell me how long their process has been...I think, yes, it's probably a good thing that it's taking this long. There is much to learn...and we need to be thankful for the time we have to prepare us. I know it's hard to wait, I had my moments. But, looking back...God's timing was really perfect! So, I try to take what I've learned... and apply it to things that I am now experiencing. I know it's for a reason, when things take time. I love to have a plan and an agenda...but I'm learning that God's plan is not always on the same timeline as mine. So, I need to be flexible! :-) I hope that you too can trust God, even when it seems that He doesn't care about you or the time it's taking. He really does love you enough to give you the time needed to make the perfect plan happen! :-)

Well, enough of my ramblings...I need to pack for camping!


Until next time!
Carala

1 comment:

andrew + camille said...

awesome post. thanks for sharing. i know i have SO much to learn and process. maybe that's why adoption process takes so long, God knows we need that time. <3